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AlwaysForward

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About AlwaysForward

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  • Birthday 04/23/1972

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  1. I supplement B12 although my wife is on this carnivore kick. I take it from a multi usually and just ran our but I have some superfoods green drink. Shes been on about how greens are bad, oxalates and all that. Might be a good convo for the nutritional forum. I do have to control how many B vitamins I take at once, they can get me jittery. I'm not generally exhausted and need to get my sleep adjusted if I will get serious. Part of it is mental, there is a certain amount of mental energy I consume dealing with non lifting pain. I'll keep an eye on it though. Back and Bi's today. Have to say, 3 days splits work for me. I was a total wreck for 3 days so we missed our regular day but we caught up. The mental milestone for getting these done is something I never thought I'd feel again.
  2. It depends, hes only 15 so hes just learning form and reps. He working with about 55 pds flat bench and he did 40 pd seated rows today. Soon enough I imagine though :)
  3. Started week 3, the lifts arent difficult but these flare-ups wont end. Settled on the 3 day split. It gives me a lot of time to catch up. I suppose if I ever squat again, I'll add a 4th day but I like resting in between days. I can tell my nervous system is just taxed the next day. I'm tired, anxious, just general feel shitty. Chest looked like this: Flat 3 x 8 @95pds Inc DB 3x8 @30pds DB Flies 3x8 @15pds Overhead rope pulls 3x10@30pds V-bar pull dows 3x8@30pds Training the boy is going well. So from week 1 to week 3 I've added sets and slightly increased weight. Gives me a chance to teach him different exercises.
  4. Yep. I agree, sometime I use mindfulness and CBT interchangeably largely because CBT adopts a lot of techniques from eastern teachings. Some people think mindfulness is like the monks and shit sitting there for hours at a time. There are times I can do that but half the time I just hit a good string of guided meditations and fall asleep. On your stressors, I know what the relationship stuff can do. Honestly, I should have been divorced years ago. I know its coming, I think we were waiting for the kids to get older and now COVID. Everyones bowl fills up differently so the driving incident might have been different if the bowl wasn't already overflowed. That understanding is CBT training. You guys might even remember when I started therapy, I posted it here. I only stopped because the girl quit but she was awesome because she saw through the bullshit in the world which is something as a creative person, I struggle with. The biggest thing we have in common are physical symptoms are triggers. Again, so can see it in my post history and I still struggle. For example: 1) Working on makes my heart race, I get dizzy (My head thinks I have a heart problem and Im going to die). Reality - my neck and Fibro are acting up, I have atrophy and my nervous system is fucked. The traps and neck are causing the pressure and by BP is going up from lifting and the pain. 2) When I take the elevator to the third floor and get off, I get really dizzy. (My head thinks I am going to die because Im dizzy) Reality, my back and neck both have major issues compounded with Fibro which causes vertigo. It wasn't until I started visiting group with stenosis and Fibro that I understood that. Both of these examples start the merry-go-round. They both can trigger all those chest symptoms and panic. Remember for me, panic can last for days and not hit until a day later. Now imagine, I either go downstairs to get threatened by a boss or go home and have it out with the wife. See the bowl filling up? Cutting it off at head means I get off the merry-go-round. In other words, I have tools now to prevent that from happening. In both scenarios, I can mostly prevent that from turning into panic, but HIGH STRESS, HIGH Pressure can still sink me. That is the price I pay for staying in a high-pressure job, in a bad marriage etc. Those are environmental, which is another HUGE key. Understanding an environmental trigger, even while still in it can help the head settle down. "Oh, my boss is screaming at me, I feel like death." Reality - Yes, its fight or flight, you are supposed to be that way. When things settle down, I should examine if this is the right thing for me long term. "My Wife who is miserable wants a divorce, I feel like death." Reality - Also fight or flight, it's too much to process. Reality - We just aren't right for each other, I need to examine if this is a healthy relationship. (Full disclosure) - She just can't handle and admits she did not sign up to marry someone with chronic pain. I can judge that all I want but its just low energy bullshit. Most of what I've written is basically CBT. The success of it matters largely on how suggestible you are. Im not realigious, but I can be spiritual. This is another really important thing about meditation. Guided meditation takes on a few forms: Body scans - I couldn't make sense of these at first. You'll hear the guide basically go through each body part, softening and smoothing it. I finally realized that it works because its a distraction. If I zero in on each body part or whatever, I am fully present. They still arent my favorite. The everything is going to be ok dear - I HATE these. I can't connect with them at all. Its basically all feelings. Just doesn't work for me. My first session after my intake, my therapist gave me a link to some things to try: https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/ This is where I encountered body scan for the first time and all the touchy/feely ones. There is on (I think is soften, smooth, allow) that makes you visualize the physical discomfort. THIS HELPED! You basically assign a color to the discomfort (I picked red). So for me it was chest tightness or that weird pounding nervous chest. You know, the one where you feel like you are going to die. Anyway, you soften the edges so I just used white and then would slowly fade it to pink. Now I knew some of this could work. The Spiritual or educational ones - These hit home. I found this girl, Michelle Zarin and did her 20/20 for peace. It starts at like a minute or two a day. She's not preachy, it's just something about it where I can literally see nothing but black and I am tuned out to the world. Sometimes it takes multiple sessions for me. Here is a link to all her stuff. https://2020meditateforpeace.libsyn.com/ I found Michelle on a free app called insight timer. There are 5000 meditations there. Remember though, I was able to talk about what was working while in therapy. She was able to narrow down my connection issues and some of what drove the way I thought. I don't think I would have gotten nearly out it without being able to talk through her with things. One thing I got out of it too was to help translate what other people were saying to me that were triggers. Like forever my Wife has accused me of being a narcissist. I finally brought her to a session (I would try to discuss my sessions at home but again, bad marriage so not helpful). My therapist told my wife he's not a narcissist, hes suffering from extreme anxiety and PTSD from stress and pain. So this builds the foundation (for me) for the LONG road back. That's important Sam, its a long road back and filled with many ups and downs. I went mental for an entire summer because of bad meds. I would have been better off just leaving the job. It's a hard thing to realize you may have some environmental things you need to remove because you cant change them. Last on this kid, remembering what I said before about just addressing one thing at a time. One of my kids is going through a lot and asked to see a therapist (at 13). Shes depressed about girl stuff, body image and whatever, but as soon as this COVID clears up, I'll get her into somewhere. I am an expert on anxiety, but I am not trained. I can give advice but let the professionals do their job and I will help guide her on what works for me. That would be my suggestion, you can't have the pressure of fixing a kid (which is subjective because you are conflating what you see in your kid to what you experience) at a time when you aren't right. I actually think it can be cathartic in an odd way for you guys to do this together. *I have an 8 week mindfulness course I took through work, it starts slow and it's like 2GB but I can throw it on google drive or something. DM me with an email if you want. Also, look into an app called curable. It's like CBT for pain management, but you might find it useful. Remember, this is going to get better and when you are in a movement, it's just a physical sensation. If that doesn't work, get it checked out for no other reason than to calm that anxious mind but I think a good CBT therapist is top of the list.
  5. The weather in PA is brutal the last 2 weeks. I've been in a flare up with the changing rain and humidity but working it in between migraines.
  6. Reading your reply gets me anxious, I do get it. There are a few general things people will tell you that are supposed to work because they read it. Things like breathing and mediatating might not be the best for you right now. Your mind is racing with fear. The ADHD is probably not helping as you mentioned. I completely get the RHR issue and the other pyshical symptoms. Just look at my post history, with them is probably all those symptoms. My high RHR got me to a point where I wore a heart monitor for over a week last decemeber and even when it was going nuts, my heart turned out to be fine. Yes, I have a higher than I'd like RHR but I also know that its something that I can address with proper diet, cardio etc. Knowing that helps check that box and I'm not afraid of it (right now). When it goes nuts, it still bothers me, but it is what it is. I'm pointing this out as a way to identify what is in your control and what isn't as a way to manage the fear portion. On the panic attack, there are parallels with the chest symptoms. A panic attack feels like death but won't actually kill you but when you are mental like that, you don't know it. What I try to do now is tell myself, its going to end just like it always does. Then I don't think about it again. The trick for me, and you know I was a mess for over 2 years, was to separate what was in my head, what my obvious stresses were and try not to conflate them with how I felt. Remember too, I have (and you might have) some PTSD. If you start feeling that chest pound, its going to cause a mental reaction. Don't try and stop it. Don't even think about what the cause it. You feel like shit, after some time you'll feel better. Meditation is a mixed bag because everyone just focusing on "being present" What does that mean if you feel like you're dying. I tend to use it as a vehicle to focus on what I know will pass and what I can vs. cant control. Its a tool, not a cure. I lend folks like us a hand now in some IRC chats now and this is an example that seems to answer the why now questions, both mental and physical. Imagine you are just a bowl and over time the bowl fills with fear and stress. Sooner of later, the bowl overflows so you feel like death. So can't just dump the entire thing out, you have to start a little at a time. A good mindfulness teacher can help with that of course. On pills, I never found pills besides clonezepam that helped me. Remember that mess I went through with all those SSRI's? Everyone told me to stay on them, they would work. Dude they made me MENTAL which just added to shit because everyone said they would work. Nope, the bottom line is I was in a pressure cooker with money, a bad boss, a stressed marriage, etc etc. I think we both do IT right? I havent gotten a raise in 2 years. I've missed a director position because my company got sold and then the new company mapped me to a lower level. Now the promotion cycles are haulted. I am in security now and at least 2 positions below what I should be. I practically function as the ISO of my company. The place cant run without me yet I am probably 60-80K underpaid. It was a HUGE mental shift to change my thinking to appreciate what I had vs what I knew I deserved. It's much harder when you need to money of course but the mental aspect of it is like hating someone and waiting for the person to die. I agree with Ben, in the end, we'll be ok. I'd suggest making a checklist of some sort of everything bothering you. Then seperate the things you can control and just work on one. It doesn't really matter which one as long as its forward progress. That starts to empty the bowl. The rest of the things you list which you think are negative, or low energy, you need to give yourself a break on. That is the handshake you make with your higher self. You'll do this one thing but you will will not worry about the others. I hope some helps, remember this is coming from the guy who was hiding in his car to have a panic attack that would last all day, go to meetings and ball up on a coach. I was a fuckin mess. Thats why I started doing the YouTube stuff. Sure during the editing I seem straight but before the video I'm on ice. After I have to relax and stretch. Everyone seems like they have it together but we all largely wear masks. I'm in pain 24 hours a day and my new boss has no idea but my bowl is alot emptier than it was before. At minimum I wrote this because sometimes it helps to know people share the same physical symptoms and arent dead It wasnt that long ago that I was waking up everyday with my extemities shaking. Turns out, it was just stress.
  7. Any event(s) that seem to have shifted the condition to something you were able to manage to a recommendation of therapy (which is not bad and par for the course that managing it is always ups and downs). Your posts seems to shift around the lockdown period. Just curious if there are any certain triggers or just a general, slow decline in how you feel.
  8. Sam, whats going on with your anxiety?
  9. Started week 2 of training. Something I never thought I'd do again. Age 48 Stats: 140pds or so. BF% who knows, over 20% for sure. Fortunately, Im just not the type that gets fat because I dont eat much. Work around the Cervical Stenosis and Fibromyalgia. A much different approach this time. No moving to heavy weights like I normally would No Squats or Deads Limit over the head pushes and presses No Pull ups or Chins (Stresses the weak neck muscles) If you look at this thread alone and past failures, you can see how stressing the nervous system as opposed to training it was a big part of the problem. This is what my week looked like: Flat bench/Incline DB/DB Flies/Behind the neck rope and rope extensions for Tri's. Lat pull downs/seated row/standing straight bar pull downs/ light DB shrugs/incline hammer curls (supporting the neck) and some standing curls Rope ab crunches/seated leg crunches/Planks Sissy Squats/Leg extensions/reverse leg extensions/Db presses/light DB laterals We'll keep is like this for a while. Im hitting most of the groups and hopefully building to squats, pull-ups, dips later on. It's easy to look back and see how I was really putting stress on the traps and neck muscles doing those pulls ups, especially in the last reps. Even Dips can be hell on the delts / neck. The short and mid term goals are to address the atrophy in those trap neck muscles and build the rest of the core along with it. The best is I am training my son who is 15 now and just about my height.
  10. Thats a compliment maybe? HaHa. I did a podcast with someone today to start introducing some of the new stuff. I'm writing scripts now but have 3 videos I need to wrap up first. Thanks for the follow!
  11. I am. In my case, since the symptoms travel, neck, back etc. It's hard to nail down. PTSD in particular is terribly convoluted when it comes to both managing pain and anxiety. It's like a merry go round you can't get off of. Unless of course, you decide to get off. Many of these therapies work, however the naysayers are not willing to change their life enough to reduce the triggers to something manageable. It's similar to mindfulness and meditation, if you aren't at all suggestible, you probably won't see much benefit. Again, though, life is about choices.
  12. I take the Bronson D3/K2 supplement which is like 5000UI daily. It wouldnt hurt to get that up to 50K. I find honestly, the biggest thing for people like me is acceptance. Part of it is the health part but the other is accepting the daily maintenance you need to do managing pain. The latter is the biggest thing which also of course includes life decisions. How many times over the years have you guys hear me bitch about the job? A bad marriage? Anxiety, PTSD, etc. This is the third part, changing your life which is the hardest. leaving a 6 figure job with 2 kids has consequences. Divorce has consequences. These are all things you are "supposed' to do, "supposed' to be but we all fail at what we are supposed to be and struggle to succeed at who we really are. To do that, you have to be willing to go back down to zero. A lot easier said than done. On another note, my YT channel on art devices is almost 2K subs. It's called Create Now Sleep Later and I will be expanding it to cover mental health for creative people. I feel that I need to pay it back for all the people who have helped me over the years when I was in some terrible places.
  13. Yep, I am in PA and it doesn't look great. I am close to NY and NJ and so far a PA card is the path of least resistence. As always, its only part of the solution like anything else. That said, my boy (who is somehow 15 now) wants to start training so I have a renewed sense to get it together. My issue is never motivation of course but trying to fit it in to a never ending circle of life related bullshit.
  14. There are so many strains which is where a card can help. It also depends what type of anxiety you have. I am not activily smoking now but had a long history, ironically, when I stopped that is when it started to bother my nerves but stress is also a factor. I know people who swear CBD makes them anxious but again, depends on if its and isolate, full or broad spectrum. For anxiety, I would start there. Remember too, a lot of people who try smoking or CBD have also been on some kind of pill half their lives. For pain though, especially my kind of severe chronic pain, you need the THC. You can balance it out like Bensen said with different strains. Some contain more CBD than THC but CBD first for sure. I have been using FUll spectrum CBD for some time but if you never smoked, you need to build up to a usfull dose.
  15. Yeah man, if you look back at my post history. It slaps you right in the face. There are many personal choices we make, jobs, marriages and they can all lead to leading the wrong life. Your body hears everything you mind is thinking. That said, we work so hard to get to a certain place, its hard to walk away.
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